So I have been sitting here at work since nine. I am waiting for a client to get here and get some things ready for testing. It is pretty boring and at the same time I am getting over the flu or a cold.
Graduate school is much different than what I thought it was going to be. I am only in one class this semester and to tell you the truth it is kind of a joke. I am also in three hours of thesis which is basically just to nail down an project for me to research on.
I feel, relative to my previous interactions in life, that am getting old. I no longer live in the residence halls and spend my time hanging out with young freshman and sophomores. I live in an apartment with two other guys aroung my age. One a fifth year senior and the other a small business owner.
Living in my apratment has been a huge change from the previous five years of my life. Now, the people I live with are the people I see everyday. I can't walk out of my room and run into some resident's room and chill out for an hour anymore. Plus, I have a job and I pay rent now, whereas before room and board were provided as an RA.
I have found that close proximity with others for an extended period of time is definitely going to bring out the worst of us all. One of my roomates and I seem to fight all the time over seemingly stupid things. Another is extremely quiet and closed, mainly I think that stress is a hardcore attribute of his attitude.
I wish that my life was like it were back when I was a freshman in college. Where I went to class and hung out with my friends. I did more effective soul searching and growing then than I do now. Why is that? Why when I get older do I not look into myself and question my heart? Hopefully I will one day break this habit.
Well my friends I bid you good morning.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Some sort of a starting point
So I guess I am ready to write what is on my heart once again. To form some sort of a tangible representation of the events within my heart. I have spent most of my year in seclusion with little interactions with my close friends. I have come to a point that this is a season where my whole world is being flipped upside down. I have changed. I am become a person that I, in all honesty, don't like.
I have been confused as to why it seems that the whole world has sped up and I, relatively, am at a standstill. I have been at Kansas State University going on five years now and I will be graduating in May and attending Graduate School here in August. All my friends are in relationships with each other and some are married and some have left academia altogether.
I want to be joyous again. I want to experience God in a way that I never have. This is one of the many seasons of hell in my life that I will have and I don't know where to start or how to just let God start. Maybe he has already started. I have no clue.
I want to know, no believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is pursuing me and reaching out his hand and offering strength. Because I have read but I really don't know if I still believe that all the time.
As last entry screams, I feel alone. Now, don't get all worried I am not going to do anything crazy but I truly feel alone right now. I have no desire to purse/finish my education and I have this huge burden of debt looming over me. This is on of the aspects of my life that I really am baffled about. I have no clue how that is going to be handled so I am running away from it so I don't have too. Hence graduate school. I kinda like this engineering stuff so it was the only thing I could do.
The funny thing about engineering is that I really don't think that I am good at it. I think that I am intelligent enough to understand the concepts and do the coursework but at the end of the day I really don't think that I am good at it. I really think that I am good at relating to people. But really don't think that I can do that all to well anymore either. In a lot of the areas in my life I have become cynical and say things that make me shudder. Its almost like I am afraid of me because I hurt those I love with words. James said it all too well.
I guess there is always a starting point
I have been confused as to why it seems that the whole world has sped up and I, relatively, am at a standstill. I have been at Kansas State University going on five years now and I will be graduating in May and attending Graduate School here in August. All my friends are in relationships with each other and some are married and some have left academia altogether.
I want to be joyous again. I want to experience God in a way that I never have. This is one of the many seasons of hell in my life that I will have and I don't know where to start or how to just let God start. Maybe he has already started. I have no clue.
I want to know, no believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is pursuing me and reaching out his hand and offering strength. Because I have read but I really don't know if I still believe that all the time.
As last entry screams, I feel alone. Now, don't get all worried I am not going to do anything crazy but I truly feel alone right now. I have no desire to purse/finish my education and I have this huge burden of debt looming over me. This is on of the aspects of my life that I really am baffled about. I have no clue how that is going to be handled so I am running away from it so I don't have too. Hence graduate school. I kinda like this engineering stuff so it was the only thing I could do.
The funny thing about engineering is that I really don't think that I am good at it. I think that I am intelligent enough to understand the concepts and do the coursework but at the end of the day I really don't think that I am good at it. I really think that I am good at relating to people. But really don't think that I can do that all to well anymore either. In a lot of the areas in my life I have become cynical and say things that make me shudder. Its almost like I am afraid of me because I hurt those I love with words. James said it all too well.
I guess there is always a starting point
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