Sunday, April 20, 2008

Some sort of a starting point

So I guess I am ready to write what is on my heart once again. To form some sort of a tangible representation of the events within my heart. I have spent most of my year in seclusion with little interactions with my close friends. I have come to a point that this is a season where my whole world is being flipped upside down. I have changed. I am become a person that I, in all honesty, don't like.

I have been confused as to why it seems that the whole world has sped up and I, relatively, am at a standstill. I have been at Kansas State University going on five years now and I will be graduating in May and attending Graduate School here in August. All my friends are in relationships with each other and some are married and some have left academia altogether.

I want to be joyous again. I want to experience God in a way that I never have. This is one of the many seasons of hell in my life that I will have and I don't know where to start or how to just let God start. Maybe he has already started. I have no clue.

I want to know, no believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is pursuing me and reaching out his hand and offering strength. Because I have read but I really don't know if I still believe that all the time.

As last entry screams, I feel alone. Now, don't get all worried I am not going to do anything crazy but I truly feel alone right now. I have no desire to purse/finish my education and I have this huge burden of debt looming over me. This is on of the aspects of my life that I really am baffled about. I have no clue how that is going to be handled so I am running away from it so I don't have too. Hence graduate school. I kinda like this engineering stuff so it was the only thing I could do.

The funny thing about engineering is that I really don't think that I am good at it. I think that I am intelligent enough to understand the concepts and do the coursework but at the end of the day I really don't think that I am good at it. I really think that I am good at relating to people. But really don't think that I can do that all to well anymore either. In a lot of the areas in my life I have become cynical and say things that make me shudder. Its almost like I am afraid of me because I hurt those I love with words. James said it all too well.

I guess there is always a starting point

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