So I guess I am ready to write what is on my heart once again. To form some sort of a tangible representation of the events within my heart. I have spent most of my year in seclusion with little interactions with my close friends. I have come to a point that this is a season where my whole world is being flipped upside down. I have changed. I am become a person that I, in all honesty, don't like.
I have been confused as to why it seems that the whole world has sped up and I, relatively, am at a standstill. I have been at Kansas State University going on five years now and I will be graduating in May and attending Graduate School here in August. All my friends are in relationships with each other and some are married and some have left academia altogether.
I want to be joyous again. I want to experience God in a way that I never have. This is one of the many seasons of hell in my life that I will have and I don't know where to start or how to just let God start. Maybe he has already started. I have no clue.
I want to know, no believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is pursuing me and reaching out his hand and offering strength. Because I have read but I really don't know if I still believe that all the time.
As last entry screams, I feel alone. Now, don't get all worried I am not going to do anything crazy but I truly feel alone right now. I have no desire to purse/finish my education and I have this huge burden of debt looming over me. This is on of the aspects of my life that I really am baffled about. I have no clue how that is going to be handled so I am running away from it so I don't have too. Hence graduate school. I kinda like this engineering stuff so it was the only thing I could do.
The funny thing about engineering is that I really don't think that I am good at it. I think that I am intelligent enough to understand the concepts and do the coursework but at the end of the day I really don't think that I am good at it. I really think that I am good at relating to people. But really don't think that I can do that all to well anymore either. In a lot of the areas in my life I have become cynical and say things that make me shudder. Its almost like I am afraid of me because I hurt those I love with words. James said it all too well.
I guess there is always a starting point
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Alone
Have you ever felt alone? Have you ever looked around and and felt that no one really wants you around anymore? Where have all my close friends gone? The ones that walk beside me and process life with me. I know I am not alone but I know I am. I really just miss the times when my friends and I would sit down and talk about our hearts and focus on what God is really doing in our lives. These first two months of school have pretty much sucked for me on a personal level and with my spiritual walk towards the Lord. I don't really know what has been happening. I haven't seen a drive out of my close friends to pursue the Lord and reach out to others. ALSO, I have seen this with my heart too. I have been trying to survive but at the same time been slowly been wasting away. I have no vision just self inflicted wounds which push me further away from where I am supposed to end up. I want Paul's words to be known in my life, "Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!"~Romans 7:24-25
I don't know what else to say.
I don't know what else to say.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Random
It has been awhile. I thought that I would give a quick little blurb of stuff. I have, like many times before, come to realize how hard walking with the Lord is. I have spent a lot of this semester running from God. I have seen how much my everyday life falls short of what he has called me to be. I read through Deuteronomy this summer and some of Numbers only to find out that I was reading about myself. This sounds like I am down but I am not. I am just explaining my brokenness. My need for Jesus.
I was singing this song this summer "Everybody wants to go to Heaven". It goes like this, "everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." This is me a lot of the time. I want so much of what God wants to offer and I never want to give him my bad. I don't want to die, give him my sin. I want to keep it. But you know what, I really don't want it. I have seen how much my sin really is death. Sin is nothing but death, because God is life and sin is against him so it is death.
I have had a hard time getting to know my residents or even seek them out. Its been pretty rough. I have walked down my hallways to get to know them and find myself having to write them up for alcohol violations and look like a bad guy. I hate it.
I feel alone up here on forth floor. I have an amazing staff partner who is an amazing Christian but I still really don't have anyone who lives with me to process things with. In the past it was Zac and then Elizabeth and Jason but now I really kind of just run all around trying to talk to everyone. It kind of sucks because I am in my last year here and I see where I am starting to pull away but I really have no clue where that away is.
I have had a ridiculous amount of encouragement this semester from Liam, Craig, Billie and Hickman but it always seems that right after they build me up Satan comes right in and jacks me in the healing wound. That pretty much blows.
I title of my High School Senior Portfolio was "Dealing with Life While Traveling at MACH I" and thats what it feels like right now.
I am out
I was singing this song this summer "Everybody wants to go to Heaven". It goes like this, "everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." This is me a lot of the time. I want so much of what God wants to offer and I never want to give him my bad. I don't want to die, give him my sin. I want to keep it. But you know what, I really don't want it. I have seen how much my sin really is death. Sin is nothing but death, because God is life and sin is against him so it is death.
I have had a hard time getting to know my residents or even seek them out. Its been pretty rough. I have walked down my hallways to get to know them and find myself having to write them up for alcohol violations and look like a bad guy. I hate it.
I feel alone up here on forth floor. I have an amazing staff partner who is an amazing Christian but I still really don't have anyone who lives with me to process things with. In the past it was Zac and then Elizabeth and Jason but now I really kind of just run all around trying to talk to everyone. It kind of sucks because I am in my last year here and I see where I am starting to pull away but I really have no clue where that away is.
I have had a ridiculous amount of encouragement this semester from Liam, Craig, Billie and Hickman but it always seems that right after they build me up Satan comes right in and jacks me in the healing wound. That pretty much blows.
I title of my High School Senior Portfolio was "Dealing with Life While Traveling at MACH I" and thats what it feels like right now.
I am out
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Vision For Kanas State University
I have been given a vision and I need this space to write it all out and to think through it. I have been really thinking about my last year at Kansas State. I, as most of you know, am going to be an RA in Marlatt hall and this is the most exciting parts of school that I possibly think of. I am going to be the first person that about 90 guys see as they walk into a new season of their life. I have never really thought about how huge this is. I am going to be in a position to share the love of Christ from the moment the step in the door of Marlatt Hall. I wrote an entry awhile back about being a missionary everyday and I really want to do do that. I also have been given this desire to really step up this year and lead. I have been praying that the Lord would do some amazing things on my campus and He has told me that I am going to have to do a lot and empower people. I have sent out messages to others in Campus Crusade at my school and just today I sent out an email to my RA partners who are all studs for Christ and really told them that God is going to do some amazing things on campus this year.
I have been given a desire which has turned to my vision from the Lord. I want my whole floor this year to come to know the Lord. I am tired of believing in little things. I know that my God is huge and he does huge things so this is huge. I pray that the residences halls on my campus will be changed forever. That the residents coming this fall would become missional, Christ-centered laborers and start the process of being sent to other halls with the soul-purpose of seeing others coming to know the Lord and raising them up to do the same thing. I want to be DNA starter. I want to inject in every group, every club, every hall, every off campus house, every Greek house, every sport team, every department, and every person at Kansas State University. I pray that the people at Kansas State University would be broke down and realize there need for the Love of our savior.
Just as I wrote some of you a letter to join me this summer in praying for Juneau and the ministry here. I pray that you would pray for this as well. Join me with this mission of reaching Kansas State University. I know that I can't do any of it at all. It is only the Lord in me who does everything.
I love you all!
I have been given a desire which has turned to my vision from the Lord. I want my whole floor this year to come to know the Lord. I am tired of believing in little things. I know that my God is huge and he does huge things so this is huge. I pray that the residences halls on my campus will be changed forever. That the residents coming this fall would become missional, Christ-centered laborers and start the process of being sent to other halls with the soul-purpose of seeing others coming to know the Lord and raising them up to do the same thing. I want to be DNA starter. I want to inject in every group, every club, every hall, every off campus house, every Greek house, every sport team, every department, and every person at Kansas State University. I pray that the people at Kansas State University would be broke down and realize there need for the Love of our savior.
Just as I wrote some of you a letter to join me this summer in praying for Juneau and the ministry here. I pray that you would pray for this as well. Join me with this mission of reaching Kansas State University. I know that I can't do any of it at all. It is only the Lord in me who does everything.
I love you all!
The end of a season and the beginning of a new
I don't know if I will ever be able to comprehend, explain, or even realize what is happening right now here in Alaska. I have been so blessed to even have able to do work for the Lord in this beautiful land. I spent the first 6 weeks of this summer with some of the most amazing people I have ever been in contact with. The 12 staff and the 26 men that I served with during my time on this summer project have been true examples of men and women whose soul desire is to pursue the Lord with all their hearts.
I have laughed. I have cried. I have been moved. I have, first hand, experienced miracles. I have had days of strong faith and days of weak faith. I have seen what the word of God does when it is buried in my heart. I have seen a people who have diligently prayed for help and then realized that I was used as an answer to prayer. I have seen men step out in faith so many times and the Lord always is there to pick them up. I have seen the people here in Juneau step up and run hard at the Lord. I have been frustrated. I have hurt others. I have worked hard. I have seen massive walls of ice. I have been tossed around on the ocean. I received love. I have given love. I have sat in silence in awe of the Lord. I have seen the sun. I have seen the rain. I have been given a desire to reach those who I have never met. I have cut off a relationship. I have been taking steps to regrow that friendship.
I have been apart and seen so much this summer. I have also decided to stay up here until the end of the month. I will, Lord willing, find a job and put all the stuff I have learned into play. I love this place, everything about it.
I would love to ask you all for your prayers as I prolong my stay up here this summer. I hope ask that you pray that I staying here for the Lord Glory and not for myself. I pray that I might reach those here in Juneau who are hungry for the LOVE of Christ. I pray that everyday I come closer to the man that God has called me to be. That I may throw off all of the things that hinder my race towards the one who loves without bounds.
Also I want to tell my family that I love you with all my heart and I am so blessed that you are in my life, even if 98 percent of my time is spent away from you. I miss you all and pray that through all of the things the Lord does through me and places that he puts me in that your faith may be strengthened and that you may know and love the Lord so much more.
I have laughed. I have cried. I have been moved. I have, first hand, experienced miracles. I have had days of strong faith and days of weak faith. I have seen what the word of God does when it is buried in my heart. I have seen a people who have diligently prayed for help and then realized that I was used as an answer to prayer. I have seen men step out in faith so many times and the Lord always is there to pick them up. I have seen the people here in Juneau step up and run hard at the Lord. I have been frustrated. I have hurt others. I have worked hard. I have seen massive walls of ice. I have been tossed around on the ocean. I received love. I have given love. I have sat in silence in awe of the Lord. I have seen the sun. I have seen the rain. I have been given a desire to reach those who I have never met. I have cut off a relationship. I have been taking steps to regrow that friendship.
I have been apart and seen so much this summer. I have also decided to stay up here until the end of the month. I will, Lord willing, find a job and put all the stuff I have learned into play. I love this place, everything about it.
I would love to ask you all for your prayers as I prolong my stay up here this summer. I hope ask that you pray that I staying here for the Lord Glory and not for myself. I pray that I might reach those here in Juneau who are hungry for the LOVE of Christ. I pray that everyday I come closer to the man that God has called me to be. That I may throw off all of the things that hinder my race towards the one who loves without bounds.
Also I want to tell my family that I love you with all my heart and I am so blessed that you are in my life, even if 98 percent of my time is spent away from you. I miss you all and pray that through all of the things the Lord does through me and places that he puts me in that your faith may be strengthened and that you may know and love the Lord so much more.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Stuff
Wow it is hard to believe that project for me is winding down. I have truly been blessed to have spent the last few weeks with all these amazing people. I really feel in some way shape or form like God has really confirmed my passion for ministry this summer. I have this huge desire to bring my passion back home and impact my campus.
Also this summer I have really been hit by the fact that I depend way to much on how people see me. I know I am not perfect and never will be until the day that I die. But my emotions the way I act depend so much on how I think people see me. I find myself not acting myself. I am going to be praying about that one a lot, also could you pray about that too.
So I never wrote about Klukwan. It was a blast. My action group and I went there and served the community and put in a sprinkler system at their war memorial. We spent all of our time with believers but it was very encouraging. I didn't really understand why I was there I all but I knew that we were supposed to be. Then Lani and Jones told us that a long time ago they had prayed that God would send some people to Klukwan to help Klukwan and that we were an answered prayer. It was so awesome.
I have also decided to stay in Alaska till the end of the summer. I want to get a job and do ministry with the guys. I really have felt a pull here for some time. I also have a feeling that it is going to be an interesting rest of the summer. I just really want it to be all for God and not me.
Pray for Juneau, pray that I would still have a heart for Juneau and that I don't stay here for selfish reasons. Thanks a bunch
Also this summer I have really been hit by the fact that I depend way to much on how people see me. I know I am not perfect and never will be until the day that I die. But my emotions the way I act depend so much on how I think people see me. I find myself not acting myself. I am going to be praying about that one a lot, also could you pray about that too.
So I never wrote about Klukwan. It was a blast. My action group and I went there and served the community and put in a sprinkler system at their war memorial. We spent all of our time with believers but it was very encouraging. I didn't really understand why I was there I all but I knew that we were supposed to be. Then Lani and Jones told us that a long time ago they had prayed that God would send some people to Klukwan to help Klukwan and that we were an answered prayer. It was so awesome.
I have also decided to stay in Alaska till the end of the summer. I want to get a job and do ministry with the guys. I really have felt a pull here for some time. I also have a feeling that it is going to be an interesting rest of the summer. I just really want it to be all for God and not me.
Pray for Juneau, pray that I would still have a heart for Juneau and that I don't stay here for selfish reasons. Thanks a bunch
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
An Everyday Missionary
Wow, its been awhile since my last post. Again so much has happened. Besides all that, I really just want to tell you what has been laid on my heart the last few days. I have really thinking about what the whole concept of this summer project is. We have a mission,vision, and values. Those of which are; our mission is to equip the men and women in Juneau to become missional Christ-centered laborers, our vision is to trust God to raise up 35 movements across Juneau, and our values are having a "white-hot" faith, effective evangelism, authentic relationships, and never walking alone. I love all of these.
Some time ago someone told me, I don't know who, told me that real life isn't like project. I have been pondering that statement a lot these past couple of weeks. I really used to look at that statement as absolute truth and that accept that the community and vision and drive was only something that could happen on a summer project. But the Lord has really been speaking to my heart and chipping away at that belief. Also the Lord has been asking me if I want to believe it as well. I don't. I desire that my whole life would be as this fruitful and purposeful.
Now, I will agree that when I am in school life is harder, there are tons of events, due dates, test, stuff, and etc.. But that is always gonna be there because that is the culture there.
So I guess what I am trying say, and what I feel I am doing poorly at as of right now, is that I want to be a missionary at my school. The Lord has placed me there for some reason and blessed me tons while I have been there. I am sure that most of you already see me as that but I feel as if I have never ever said that or really had that as my mindset.
This is my last year at Kansas State University. I will be a fifth year senior, an RA, and involved with Campus Crusade for Christ. I want to ask that the Lord would bring tons of people to Christ this coming year and that they would change the world. This is no huge prayer. It is a small one. Also I pray that the Lord will use me to make this happen. I am tired of small prayers that are for little things. I ask for the Nations and I pray the the Lord starts this year with my campus and that the students at Kansas State University would be filled with this huge pain to know the Lord of all. I want to pull out all the stops and be filled with the Lord himself as this upcoming year begins. I pray that all of you would pray for all of what was just said.
"Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.""
~Matthew 28:18-20
The Lord ask us to make disciples of all nations, and he tells me that he is with me always. So I am going to start at Kansas State University and go where ever the Lord tells me.
Some time ago someone told me, I don't know who, told me that real life isn't like project. I have been pondering that statement a lot these past couple of weeks. I really used to look at that statement as absolute truth and that accept that the community and vision and drive was only something that could happen on a summer project. But the Lord has really been speaking to my heart and chipping away at that belief. Also the Lord has been asking me if I want to believe it as well. I don't. I desire that my whole life would be as this fruitful and purposeful.
Now, I will agree that when I am in school life is harder, there are tons of events, due dates, test, stuff, and etc.. But that is always gonna be there because that is the culture there.
So I guess what I am trying say, and what I feel I am doing poorly at as of right now, is that I want to be a missionary at my school. The Lord has placed me there for some reason and blessed me tons while I have been there. I am sure that most of you already see me as that but I feel as if I have never ever said that or really had that as my mindset.
This is my last year at Kansas State University. I will be a fifth year senior, an RA, and involved with Campus Crusade for Christ. I want to ask that the Lord would bring tons of people to Christ this coming year and that they would change the world. This is no huge prayer. It is a small one. Also I pray that the Lord will use me to make this happen. I am tired of small prayers that are for little things. I ask for the Nations and I pray the the Lord starts this year with my campus and that the students at Kansas State University would be filled with this huge pain to know the Lord of all. I want to pull out all the stops and be filled with the Lord himself as this upcoming year begins. I pray that all of you would pray for all of what was just said.
"Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.""
~Matthew 28:18-20
The Lord ask us to make disciples of all nations, and he tells me that he is with me always. So I am going to start at Kansas State University and go where ever the Lord tells me.
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